So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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