I need help removing her.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
