I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
