My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
