At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
