then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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