Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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