Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
