Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
