I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?