was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dating After Heartbreak
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo