If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.