I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.