Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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