Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
