i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
