You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
