If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
