I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
