I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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