How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
