Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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