my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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