i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
