Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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