you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
