She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
accomplished twins. life is a go
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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