My liver just broke up with me...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
