how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
