remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
