don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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