its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
