peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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