My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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