its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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