I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
