I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
