my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
