I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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