I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
