I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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