i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
