Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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