i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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