so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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