You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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