Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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