A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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