I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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