He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
