She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize