dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
it's like iHOP with fire
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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