He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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